Is it a crime to only have one child?

Last night I went out to dinner with one of my BEST friends, and just like every time we get together we started talking about our lives but mainly our children. Amanda is the mother of two healthy beautiful little boys. Her oldest son is just a little older than Cohen, and her youngest is only about 2 months old. During our conversation I told her that I've decided that I want Cohen to be my only child. Being that Amanda and I almost always understand and agree with one another, she didn't look at me with shock/disgust/confusion on her face like most people do when I say this. She understood my reasoning's and did not immediately look at me like I was a bad mother for only wanting one.

So why is it that others look at me that way? I love my son with everything I have and he is my ABSOLUTE world, so is it really that wrong of me to only want him?

Growing up I knew that I always wanted to be a mom and I always said that I only wanted two children. Preferably a boy and girl. I never wanted to be that family of 10 kids and one on the way. Now I don't look down on those that do (unless they are not the ones doing the parenting and not taking care of their children...that really gets under my skin) and for some people that is their dream. I on the other hand wanted a much smaller dream, and now that I have a child of my own my dreams have changed. Is it really right of people to question my love for my son or label me as selfish?

I don't come from a blended family of step parents and step siblings. My parents have been married for almost 30 years and my brother and I are full blood siblings, so naturally that's the life I dreamed of. That dream however, is not what I got. I accidentally became pregnant with my son and I was not in love with his father. Even though it breaks my heart that I gave my son such rocky foundation, I still stand by every decision I've made for him. I stand by the fact that I chose to keep him and not go with abortion or adoption, because I knew I would regret it and although things weren't perfect he was still my son and I WANTED him. I stand by the fact that I chose not to be with his father, because I wanted to hold out for real love that my son could grow up and admire. I wanted him to know what love was and I knew that if I stayed or married his father his life would be full of pain and constant fighting. I WANTED better for him! I made these choices and I stand by every one of them. Yes, I gave my son a rocky start but I have spent every day since making it up to him and giving him the best life I possibly can. He may not have his parents together but he has a happy life. He has two parents that love him unconditionally and have learned to be friends.

I have my reasons for Cohen being an only child and I fully believe they are justifiable.

Reason 1. Yes technically I have only one child, but there are three children in my life. I have a niece and nephew that I see every other weekend, and I love them as if they were my own. They have parents and I'm not trying to replace them, but I do consider myself to be a big part of their life and believe it's important for me to be a good role model for them. I love and worry over them and their future just as much as I do my own son. If something were to happen to their parents, you could put money down on the fact that I would be the first to step up for them without any hesitation. So because Cohen and I are so close with my niece and nephew, I don't feel like either of us missing out by not adding more to the family. He is extremely close to his cousins, so much so that I don't feel like he is missing out on sibling like experiences. As for me, I go to their soccer games and pageants. I'm one of the first to cheer them on in the things they do and I LOVE being their aunt! I brag about them just as much as I do Cohen. So my life is not missing the feeling of having multiple children that I can love and be proud of.

Reason 2. It is very likely that if I get married I will probably marry someone who already has children and this is not an issue for me. I enjoy children and there is not a doubt in my mind that I couldn't love more than the three I already do. With that being said, it is a given that I will be financially helping to support multiple children. I want the children in my life to have the things they want/need and it not be a struggle.

Reason 3. Unfortunately these days most people do not stay together for 30 years anymore. Most people find it too easy to just get divorced. As I've mentioned before in previous posts, I don't want to ever be divorced. When I decide to marry someone I want it to be a one time thing, but I'm terrified that although I can marry someone who tells me they want the same thing I could still find out later that it's not the truth. So to marry someone who will probably already have children, have a child with that man and then turn around and get divorced is pain and guilt I wouldn't be able to handle. It's hard enough to share one child in different homes, let alone having to share two children in two DIFFERENT homes. Not to mention I would have to add in the pain of not being able to see the step children I would so naturally become attached to.

I am content with the children currently in my life, and more than happy to accept and love any future ones that may come along. So why do people want to think negatively about me only having one, when all I want is the best for my family and future family?

Love...where do you stand on it?

Growing up I don't remember a time when I wasn't told that I was loved. I come from a family that has a rule of you don't walk out the door without saying it. It doesn't matter if you are screaming and mad at the person, you don't leave without saying I love you. This way should anything happen you know without a doubt the last words said were "I love you". So knowing I was loved by my family was never an issue. I knew then and I know now without a doubt that I am loved.

It's when the opposite sex started saying it to me that love became complicated.

The first time I was ever told that I was loved by a boy was in first grade, and really it wasn't just a boy it was THREE of them. They all ran up to me at once on the playground, each told me they loved me and that I needed to pick who was going to be my boyfriend. Being that I was a first grader and didn't really understand the whole thing, I simply said that I didn't have to choose and that all three could be my boyfriend.....Yes, I know it's not cool to have three at a time but what did I know...I was only in the first grade! I know that this doesn't count as the real thing, but if you want to get technical it was the first time.

The first time I was ever told "I love you" and think that it actually meant something was when I was in the middle school seeing a guy in high school. He was a Junior and far more advanced than I, but at the time I was convinced he was it! He told me he loved me and that he was going to marry me. Being young, I don't know that I fully understood everything. It was my FIRST real relationship after all. We dated for about 2 years off and on. I say off and on but we really only broke up twice during that time frame. The first time because he had begun to tease me about my weight, which lead to me starving myself to fit his criteria. That break up was the only time I think I've ever really come close to breaking someones heart. I say come close because I just don't believe I've ever meant that much to someone. I don't believe that I've ever been that important in someones life where they couldn't possibly imagine life without me.

The second time melted my heart in ways you wouldn't even imagine! Guy #2 was a forbidden boy by my parents. He was just as old as guy number one, but my mother saw what kind of guy he was and knew he was only going to get me into trouble or break my heart. She was right...he broke my heart. He painted a pretty little picture of our love being like Romeo and Juliet. That little picture actually started when I had decided to dress up as Juliet for Halloween and go out with my friends. Guy #2 found out about this and hunted me down in town. When he found me he was wearing a shirt with Romeo written across his chest and a single red rose. Like all guys he promised me the world and vowed that when I turned 18 no one would be able to stop us from being together. After three years of sneaking around, my mom grew tired of fighting me on the subject and finally gave us the ok to see each other. When I brought this news to guy #2 he simply looked at me and asked if I could wait two more weeks because he was dating a foreign exchange student that would be gone by then....OUCH...#1 I wasn't aware he had been seeing anyone else and #2 I had waited 3 years only to be told I should wait 2 more weeks by someone who supposedly loved me?!? Nope...sorry I wasn't going to wait. It was the slap in the face that I needed to realize everything had been a lie and that he never meant anything that he had said to me.

Guy #3 was probably one of the healthiest relationships I've had and even it had major issues. It lasted for a a little over 3 years. There was a little talk of marriage here and there but not a lot. Even so I still believed we would get married. Looking back on it now I should have known it would never happen and I should have known he was the "Bachelor" type. The one clue that really should have woke me up was when he purchased his first house. He hunted for the perfect house, showed me a few here and there and asked what I thought of them. He listened but it was apparent that he didn't really care. It was his step-dad that asked what I thought and told me that I would be living there some day too and that I needed to voice all concerns. When the step-dad is telling you this and not your boyfriend, you should probably take that as a sign that you in fact would never be living in that house. Genius me though, I didn't take it as a sign. Even after he moved in and gave me the speech that "it was his house and that I shouldn't start moving things in or bring things to keep there" I still didn't see the big picture. I believe a part of guy #3 did love me and still loves me to this day (we have remained good friends), but he was never in love with me.

Guy #4 happens to be the father of my wonderful little boy. There is not much to say about guy #4. It was an extremely short relationship, an accidental pregnancy and a LOT of fighting. We didn't work as a couple then and definitely wouldn't work as a couple now, but I can say we have found a way to be friends for little man's sake.

Guy #5 is the last on the list. This relationship was doomed from the start. Both of us brought our own issues to the table and I'm not real sure the other knew exactly how to handle them. Add all of our issues together and throw into the mix that it was a long distance relationship you're going to get a disaster. So many things went wrong in this relationship and it should have ended sooner than it did, but I'm an idiot some times and either a glutton for punishment or don't know when to quit. Things didn't end in the prettiest of ways and the whole thing was extremely hard for me.

So here I am...a 24 year old single mother of a soon to be 3 year old son. Has my love life been perfect and a fairytale?...Obviously not...but I wouldn't change it for the world. Each relationship taught me something and has helped shape me into the person I am today. Whether the person I am today is a good thing or bad...well the jury is still out on that one. I've learned different lessons in life that have made my next relationships better, but I'm also afraid that they've harmed future ones as well.

I no longer believe that everyone has a soul mate in this world. I believe people get lucky and find someone that share their views on life and some are even more lucky and find someone who shares the same views and will work with them to keep the relationship going. Having a relationship is a full time job! It takes work and dedication and I feel that so many people today believe that they should just have things handed to them on a nice little platter. That once they get married their fairytale is just supposed to happen. Sorry people it doesn't work that way! You don't just fall in love with someone and get to live happily ever after. You fall in love with someone and spend the rest of your life showing that person you are and working through your problems. As I've mentioned before I know that in some cases for people divorce is a must, but so many people today just give up over stupid things and never learn how to work through a problem.

So with that being said will I be one of the lucky few to find someone who shares my views and wants to actually work for our relationship?....Only time will tell.

The Randomness of Me

So since my last post was about the bachelor I will start this off by saying that I wasn't happy with Jake's final pick and I wasn't happy about the next Bachelorette. I would have been happy if he had sent both of them packing! And Ali as the next Bachelorette....well we all know how I feel about her.

Moving on....This past weekend was soooo good! Saturday I got a chance to meet up with an old childhood friend and her three boys. Well actually it was quite a few more people than that. The original plan included Cohen and myself with Michaela and her boys, but then quickly turned into a circus. The park play date included Cohen, myself, Michaela, her boyfriend, her three boys, my brother, his girlfriend, her son my niece, my nephew and my mother. Like I said circus! I loved the day and it ended up turning out great, but I was constantly thinking that I had lost a child somewhere in all of the madness and was continuously counting heads. There is a reason God has blessed me with only one child and didn't feel I should be a preschool teacher or work at a daycare! Ha I love kids and I think I'm pretty good with them, I'm just to paranoid to have a ton of them. Anyway it was so good to see Michaela and I didn't realize how much I had missed our friendship! This is a girl that practically lived with me and my family for 2 to 3 years, so she's definitely a big part of my past and will hopefully continue to be a big part of my future.

As you get older you start to realize who your true friends are and what is most important in life. I feel extremely lucky to be able to say that I have quite a few close friends and a handful of BEST friends. There are certain women in my life that I wouldn't trade for the world and couldn't imagine life without them. They have all played very specific roles in my life and have all helped me become the person I am today in one way or another. The funny thing is that they all are so vastly different, and I love them all for very different reasons.....I'm rambling though so I'll get back to talking about my weekend.

After the park and a trip to McDonald's for all of the kids I went home for a few hours and got Cohen ready for bed. My parents are awesome and kept an eye on Cohen for me so I could go out to meet Michaela again for some real mommy time. It was so nice to sit with her and laugh about the past and the stupid things we did as children. Then to discuss how different our lives were now that we were mommy's. After a long night of reminiscing, I finally decided to call it a night so I could get some sleep before Brittany's big day of engagement pictures!

I helped her get ready and acted as assistant for her during the shoot. I think the pictures turned out great and can't wait to see the rest. Here are a few so you can see what I'm talking about...







Freaking ADORABLE right?!? Good job Maria at RiaLin Photography!

Oh and just an update on my New Year's resolutions...I finally got my 30 Day Shred DVD in the mail and started it last night. My body hurts today...but no pain no gain so I will push through this. Also I've started the dating process...we'll see where this goes.

Love, Lies & Psychos

Don't worry I'm not talking about my life....although I'm pretty positive I could come up with a story regarding each of those descriptions. No, today I'm talking about the Bachelor! I have not been a religious watcher from day one but there have been a few season where I didn't want to miss even a single episode. This season being one of them. For those that may not have been watching meet Jake Pavelka

Jake is a 32 year old pilot from Denton, TX looking for love just like all of the Bachelors before him. Now let me just say that I do not believe that men and women on this show can say that they are in love. Especially the crazies who say it by episode two! The whole process is over a 3-6 month time frame and while I will say in the real world (FOR SOME) falling in love can happen in such a time frame, there is no way that while one man/woman is dating 25 different men/women at once they can say that they are in love with any of them. Have strong feelings for, smitten with, extremely like them....these are reasonable things to say, but in love with....sorry not buying it. Now at the end of the show when the couple is thrown back into the real world, I do believe it's possible these people can fall in love. But this is only after it's truly a one on one process where they are experiencing REAL life moments with one another. So needless to say it aggravates me to no end when I hear all them go on an on about how in love they are. The word is just thrown around like it means nothing! But enough of that...let's get to the fun stuff shall we?

Lets discuss the crazies! First up I give the award of #1 crazy to Michelle

This chick is nothing but PSYCHO! She JUST wants to be married. I don't think it's truly about finding love it's more about being married, and giving her mother a grandchild. While pretty much most women want this it's a different kind of want with Michelle. It's an obsession I believe. I mean this woman strikes me as the type that would duct tape a man to a chair and tell him she was going to cut off his man parts if he didn't marry her! She's nuts! It was explained perfectly during the Women Tell All episode when one of the bachlorettes said that she needed a therapist more than she needed to be married.

The award for best mind games played goes to Ali

At first I liked her, I thought she was a cute normal woman and really hoped she'd make it to the top. But the truth always shows itself, and eventually you got to see the real Ali. Ali is one of those girls that is beautiful and she knows it. She's learned over time exactly how to work stupid men into doing exactly what she wants, and I would probably go as far as saying she knows how to work women too. I say that because I believe that Ali is the one who started the hate in the house towards Vienna. I think she decided early on she didn't like Vienna and convinced everyone else to do the same. And because these women A.) Don't want to go against the crowd and be targeted themselves and B.) Need to vent their anxiety/aggression/frustration on someone they went along with it all. Do I necessarily like Vienna....no, but I don't think she really deserved the WHOLE house hating her either. This I believe was Ali's first mind game played. Then there was the let me tell Jake that Vienna is wrong for him bit and convince everyone else to do the same, and lastly the mind game that blew up in her face...."let me tell Jake that I have to choose him over my job". This was the most fake and dramatic crap ever. As soon as that door opened I knew exactly how everything was going to play out. I don't want to say that she made everything up and that her job never told her to choose because I think there is a good possibility that they did. But....I do think that she used it as a mind game. She walked in expecting him to beg her to stay and when he didn't she thought she would then just leave and come back thinking that it would work for her like it did for Ed and Jillian last season. WRONG! I think Jake did really like her but I think he picked up on her games and lack of tears while she was pulling the fake sobbing routines.

Second place on mind games goes to Elizabeth

Did this chick really think that telling Jake he couldn't kiss her till she was the final one and then dangling it in his face was really going to work? I mean it's a possibility that it could have I guess, if she hadn't been so stupid about it. But I can't stand mind game people and I'm glad she got booted off!

Biggest Idiot award goes to Rozlyn

How could she think that she could flaunt a relationship with a producer in every one's face and not get caught? And the saddest part about all of this is not that she's too stupid to realize what she did, but that she has a son who will have to grow up with the mother who will go down in Bachelor history for her scandal.

And while we're on the subject of mothers let's talk about Ella...

I have mixed feelings on her....I liked her but I didn't really agree with everything about her. The number one thing that really rubbed me the wrong way about her was when she gave Jake her son's favorite toy. Now this could have just been a ploy to have her stand out from the crowd but for me it totally took points away. As a mother myself I couldn't imagine giving my son's favorite toy away to a man I barely new! Even if it was my son's idea! I would praise him for being so sweet and generous but explain to him that he should keep it and that if in the end I ended up with that man and he still wanted to give it to him then it would be ok. Never in a million years would I take it! And if I had been Jake I wouldn't have accepted the gift. I would have told Ella that it was an extremely sweet and kind gesture but that I couldn't possibly take his favorite toy away from him. I would tell her that she should hold on to it as a keep sake while she was away from him. I just saw so many thing wrong with that situation on both of their parts.

As for the top three

I loved Gia! She was my favorite and I really really hope they make her the next Bachelorette!


Vienna...I've already said that I didn't like her.


And lastly Tenley....

I laughed out loud last night while watching the Women Tell All episode and hearing them say things like "She acts like she just popped out of a Disney movie" and "I think she shits rainbows" ahaha that last one really still makes me laugh, but they couldn't be more dead on with the Disney description!
During the scene where Tenley was dancing for Jake I kept thinking this reminds me of something, but it wasn't until the Disney comment that I realized what it was....
It was the scene from the Sword and the Stone where Mad Madam Mim turns into a dancing beauty...Look at this picture and tell me you can't see the resemblance

Perfect right!?!

Anyway I'll leave you to ponder on that one and get off my Bachelor soap box already.

First Night Of DIY

Saturday night Brittany and I had our first night of wedding DIY!



I loaded Cohen and I up with benadryl (we are ridiculously allergic to Brittany and Chase's children...Scout the schnauzer and Sophie the shih tzu) and headed over for Cohen's dinner of choice....CHEESE DIP! Ha I know not the healthiest dinner but it was a request. After dinner Brittany and I started putting together the bouquets for the wedding. We created one of the bridesmaid bouquets first to really get a feel for everything. Once we realized we loved it,(see below!)




we started on her bouquet.




And while the bride and maid of honor work, the groom and ring bearer will play....Exhibit A



Yes, that's right that's the groom and ring bearer sword fighting with left over cut stems from the flowers. And yes that's my son Spider Man!

Drinking and Driving...

So since the middle of January I've debated on whether I should discuss my brothers wreck in full detail on my blog. Obviously I finally came to the conclusion that I should, and obviously judging by my title his wreck was caused from drinking.

Let me start off by saying that I have never been a fan of drinking and driving. My best friend Brittany and I have always been very serious about the subject and always made sure that one of us was DD. If neither wanted to be DD that night then we stayed where ever it was that we were drinking at. Is this to say that I'm perfect and that I've never made stupid decisions while drunk...no it's not. I've made plenty of stupid decisions while drinking, but I can say that I've always been pretty responsible with the drinking and driving. Not only for myself but friends as well. To my brothers story though...

It was January 15th (his 29th birthday)and he decided to go out and celebrate. From what I can gather he met at a local restaurant to meet with friends and had some drinks there. Now either before this or after, he went by the liquor store (used my money while I was unaware)and bought a huge bottle of Jager.

So not only did he have drinks but he drank an entire bottle of Jager to himself. Then chose to drive. I'm angry with that. I'm angry he made that choice and I'm angry that the friends he was with didn't fight him on it. Now I in no way blame them for what happened because my brother is a big boy and knows right from wrong. I am angry however that they want to call themselves friends of his. FRIENDS wouldn't have allowed it. Because of these choices, this is what happened....






You can tell in this last picture that the big block engine in the truck was shoved clear in the the cab of the truck from hitting the metal pole.

There are a thousand ways I could have and judging by the damage should have lost my brother that night. Even writing this right now I'm sick just thinking about it. Technically because the engine was shoved into the cab of the truck he should have lost his legs which in turn could have caused him to bleed to death. Luckily though the door was pushed open and because the truck is old it didn't have seat belts and he was thrown from the truck. On the way out though, his coat caught on something jerking him and breaking his neck. Had it happened a fraction differently he could have broke his neck completely and died instantly. Even after being thrown from the truck he could have died. He could have laid there with internal injuries with no one finding him and died, or because he was thrown into the road he could have been run over by a car.Not to mention my brother and the truck could have caught on fire when the gas line broke and covered him with gas. A million things could have happened to him that night! I truly believe that it took his guardian angel and God himself pulling Ron out of his wreck that night.

While I've been thinking/dealing with this for a while I stumbled across the perfect song to explain that night. Absolutely PERFECT



Similarities

1. We believe he was coming home and where he had the wreck he would have been turning "I've never taken this curve driving this fast before"
2. Wreck happened at a stoplight "glowing stop sign"
3. "No seat belts attached to my door"
4. "my speed meter don't work" meter was broken in the truck
5. "I'm gonna guess 95" cops estimate he was doing 80mph
6. "Bottle of bourbon is gone" all of the alcohol was gone in the Jager bottle
7. "it's been raining all night" roads were wet
8. "well my 63 ford is a bull" dad's truck was truly a beast and definitely not some crappy put together new model of a truck
9. "but metal surrenders when oak trees meet fenders" metal surrenders when hitting a metal light pole
10. "and engines go through the front seat" the engine was literally in the front seat with him
11. "and a gas line broke in the wreck"
12."I walked through the ashes with just a few scratches, my crucifix warm on my neck" in the whole scheme of things Ron walked away with scratches compared to what could have happened
13. "well my good lord was with me tonight, just riding beside me tonight" like I said Ron had God himself pull him out

This was a wake up call for my brother, what he does with it from here is on him. Maybe he'll fix things and maybe he won't, but it's up to him. I hope with everything I have that he makes the right choices from here on out. Even if this situation doesn't help him, maybe it will make my son or his children think twice about doing this when they get older. Or for that matter, maybe someone will read this post and think twice for themselves.

*side note* Can someone explain to me how $400 tools can get broken but the Jager bottle came out with not one crack in it?!?.....Jager is pure evil in my opinion and a whole different topic in itself!

Diets & Workouts & Stress...Oh My!

Alright ladies and gents....as mentioned before in my New Year's Resolutions post, I have to get in shape! Not only to create a happier healthier me, but I have Brittany's wedding in about 8 months! I'm the freaking Maid of Honor! Which means that I'll be standing right next to my stunningly beautiful-drop dead gorgeous BF who will be looking extra stunningly beautiful and drop dead gorgeous on her wedding day! Now it is not my goal to look prettier than her and that's not even a possibility (even if God himself graced me with a miracle to accomplish such a thing, I wouldn't dream of it!) I would like to be able to stand next to her and not have 250+ guests asking who Quasimodo is standing next to the bride. Ha ok maybe that mental picture is a bit extreme...but you get the idea. Soooo, with so many different diets and workouts available what do I choose?!?

First off a diet...I'm not big on diets. I think a lot of them don't work and you're better off training yourself to eat healthier. That being said...that's my goal! More salads and such with less carbs! Plus I will not kick myself in the butt just because I happen to have a slice of pizza one time in a matter of a month! Kicking myself in the butt for it will only discourage me and say "what's the point?".

As for workouts...well here's where I'm a little unsure. I've heard so many people go on about the following products.

The Wii Fit

Although this sounds like fun and could keep me interested long enough to continue my workouts on a regular basis...it's too expensive!

P90X

I've heard great things about this workout system, but again it's a bit pricey and what if I don't enjoy it?

30 Day Shred

At about 15 bucks, I'm thinking this will be a little more worth it for me. Cheap enough that if I don't like it I'm not wasting a ton of money and from what I understand still a great workout that will help me see results.

Not to mention I'm going to get back into my walking/jogging routine and make a conscious effort to walk more in general (i.e. parking farther away at the store and getting up more from my desk at work).

So here I go...wish me luck...and lord help me to stay focused!