Love...where do you stand on it?

Growing up I don't remember a time when I wasn't told that I was loved. I come from a family that has a rule of you don't walk out the door without saying it. It doesn't matter if you are screaming and mad at the person, you don't leave without saying I love you. This way should anything happen you know without a doubt the last words said were "I love you". So knowing I was loved by my family was never an issue. I knew then and I know now without a doubt that I am loved.

It's when the opposite sex started saying it to me that love became complicated.

The first time I was ever told that I was loved by a boy was in first grade, and really it wasn't just a boy it was THREE of them. They all ran up to me at once on the playground, each told me they loved me and that I needed to pick who was going to be my boyfriend. Being that I was a first grader and didn't really understand the whole thing, I simply said that I didn't have to choose and that all three could be my boyfriend.....Yes, I know it's not cool to have three at a time but what did I know...I was only in the first grade! I know that this doesn't count as the real thing, but if you want to get technical it was the first time.

The first time I was ever told "I love you" and think that it actually meant something was when I was in the middle school seeing a guy in high school. He was a Junior and far more advanced than I, but at the time I was convinced he was it! He told me he loved me and that he was going to marry me. Being young, I don't know that I fully understood everything. It was my FIRST real relationship after all. We dated for about 2 years off and on. I say off and on but we really only broke up twice during that time frame. The first time because he had begun to tease me about my weight, which lead to me starving myself to fit his criteria. That break up was the only time I think I've ever really come close to breaking someones heart. I say come close because I just don't believe I've ever meant that much to someone. I don't believe that I've ever been that important in someones life where they couldn't possibly imagine life without me.

The second time melted my heart in ways you wouldn't even imagine! Guy #2 was a forbidden boy by my parents. He was just as old as guy number one, but my mother saw what kind of guy he was and knew he was only going to get me into trouble or break my heart. She was right...he broke my heart. He painted a pretty little picture of our love being like Romeo and Juliet. That little picture actually started when I had decided to dress up as Juliet for Halloween and go out with my friends. Guy #2 found out about this and hunted me down in town. When he found me he was wearing a shirt with Romeo written across his chest and a single red rose. Like all guys he promised me the world and vowed that when I turned 18 no one would be able to stop us from being together. After three years of sneaking around, my mom grew tired of fighting me on the subject and finally gave us the ok to see each other. When I brought this news to guy #2 he simply looked at me and asked if I could wait two more weeks because he was dating a foreign exchange student that would be gone by then....OUCH...#1 I wasn't aware he had been seeing anyone else and #2 I had waited 3 years only to be told I should wait 2 more weeks by someone who supposedly loved me?!? Nope...sorry I wasn't going to wait. It was the slap in the face that I needed to realize everything had been a lie and that he never meant anything that he had said to me.

Guy #3 was probably one of the healthiest relationships I've had and even it had major issues. It lasted for a a little over 3 years. There was a little talk of marriage here and there but not a lot. Even so I still believed we would get married. Looking back on it now I should have known it would never happen and I should have known he was the "Bachelor" type. The one clue that really should have woke me up was when he purchased his first house. He hunted for the perfect house, showed me a few here and there and asked what I thought of them. He listened but it was apparent that he didn't really care. It was his step-dad that asked what I thought and told me that I would be living there some day too and that I needed to voice all concerns. When the step-dad is telling you this and not your boyfriend, you should probably take that as a sign that you in fact would never be living in that house. Genius me though, I didn't take it as a sign. Even after he moved in and gave me the speech that "it was his house and that I shouldn't start moving things in or bring things to keep there" I still didn't see the big picture. I believe a part of guy #3 did love me and still loves me to this day (we have remained good friends), but he was never in love with me.

Guy #4 happens to be the father of my wonderful little boy. There is not much to say about guy #4. It was an extremely short relationship, an accidental pregnancy and a LOT of fighting. We didn't work as a couple then and definitely wouldn't work as a couple now, but I can say we have found a way to be friends for little man's sake.

Guy #5 is the last on the list. This relationship was doomed from the start. Both of us brought our own issues to the table and I'm not real sure the other knew exactly how to handle them. Add all of our issues together and throw into the mix that it was a long distance relationship you're going to get a disaster. So many things went wrong in this relationship and it should have ended sooner than it did, but I'm an idiot some times and either a glutton for punishment or don't know when to quit. Things didn't end in the prettiest of ways and the whole thing was extremely hard for me.

So here I am...a 24 year old single mother of a soon to be 3 year old son. Has my love life been perfect and a fairytale?...Obviously not...but I wouldn't change it for the world. Each relationship taught me something and has helped shape me into the person I am today. Whether the person I am today is a good thing or bad...well the jury is still out on that one. I've learned different lessons in life that have made my next relationships better, but I'm also afraid that they've harmed future ones as well.

I no longer believe that everyone has a soul mate in this world. I believe people get lucky and find someone that share their views on life and some are even more lucky and find someone who shares the same views and will work with them to keep the relationship going. Having a relationship is a full time job! It takes work and dedication and I feel that so many people today believe that they should just have things handed to them on a nice little platter. That once they get married their fairytale is just supposed to happen. Sorry people it doesn't work that way! You don't just fall in love with someone and get to live happily ever after. You fall in love with someone and spend the rest of your life showing that person you are and working through your problems. As I've mentioned before I know that in some cases for people divorce is a must, but so many people today just give up over stupid things and never learn how to work through a problem.

So with that being said will I be one of the lucky few to find someone who shares my views and wants to actually work for our relationship?....Only time will tell.